Living in Your Head

D5A25378-A5BA-4685-A28C-CED477EE3BAFI  suppose all authors live in their heads as they write the current novel. We fall in love with our characters and sometimes have a hard time making bad things happen to them, feeling rather apologetic as we put them in danger and anguish and occasionally have to kill them off.  When I wrote my first Merculian novel many years ago I fell in love with a whole world! It was, I thought, a Star Trek novel. Alas, Paramount did not agree and I have their kind rejection letter framed on my wall. Looking back I am really glad! But my Merculian characters lived on quietly in my head, biding their time.

Meanwhile I wrote more novels, which were published, finally, where I explored other genres and their worlds; mystery and erotica , literary short stories and a coming of age novel. But from time to time I remembered my Merculians and at last it was time to revisit their world. I wrote first one book, then two, then three. I took another break and then along came a Merculian mystery, and finally, my work in progress, The Colony Dancers, which is, in a way, a study of what family means.

So far only The Danger Dance and The Abulon Dance are in print, but The Memory Dance just came out in ebook, and the print edition will follow soon. Each of these books is complete in itself, but many of the same characters appear in all of them.

Who are these characters I love so much? They come from a world where the arts reign supreme. They are emotional and pleasure-loving and very sensual. They are small-ish and hate the dark. They are funny…well, some of them are…and thir impetuous natures lead them into a lot of trouble. And they are loyal to a fault…well… most  of them.

Will you love them too? Maybe. Maybe not. But their adventures are complex and  intriguing and many of the questions tackled in these pages are those asked by many of us. Take a look. Step into the world in my head! You might really like it there! And if you do, there are five books to explore! So far….


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Notre Dame Memory

70F3D344-6867-487F-8CE0-4DF40DC6AC82Like many others, I have visited the cathedral of Notre Dame every time I am in Paris. Except the last tine. I regret that now, that I wa s too lazy or too blasé to bother. However, I do have great memories. My first visit I was still stirred by Victor Hugo’s great saga and the history of the place. Always the thought of the generations of workers it took to get these  great gothic  arches in place, the small pieces of stained glass stitched together with hot lead, the way the artists poured their soul into the work with no thought of recognition, inspired me and filled me with awe.

But what I remember best about Notre Dame is from when I was thirteen, living with my mother for a while on the Isle de la Cité, and going to mass one Sunday in the cathedral. Suddenly the main doors opened and the emperor Haile Selassie came in with an impressive entourage of cardinals and bishops and such, incense swinging as the great organ thundered. The Conquerng Lion of the Tribe of Judah struck me as quite handsome,  looking  every inch an Emperor! That was the only time anywhere that I have seen the main doors of a  cathedral open.

I love those grand  old many-storied Churches of Europe, the wonderful stained glass, the soaring  archways, the lingering smell  of  incense and the beeswax  scent of many candles. I was shocked to discover lately that  some  places have switched to ghastly (but much safer) flickering battery operated  things. No soul. Little ritual. Bah. Humbug. The way it should be, however, lingers on my memory.

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A Brand New Year!

FB344A29-9EDA-4BC2-B632-85419A720C83Yay! A new year! Gaudeamus! Odd how that a change in the calendar , a simple turn of the page, can lift one’s spirits. A new year offers possibilities that in the old year seemed impossible. Doubly odd since 2018 had some wonderful high points amongst the sorrows to look back on: the publication of PEOPLE  LIKE US, the writing of a new and completely different sort of book, a wonderful trip to Lisbon with Adrienne, and to Seville on my own. And right near the end, I signed a  contract with Inanna for my novel DANCING WITH CHAIRS IN THE MUSIC HOUSE. Last but not least, an offer to translate one of my Kyle Stone novels into French, which is much appreciated.

In 2019 will see the emergence  of three Merculian novels, startng with THE DANGER DANCE. (First pubbed in 2007) And here is the new cover! 36481E51-C8DA-4C8C-9982-436A20626E18Cover design by the inimitable Istvan Kadar from original art by Grey Cross Studio.

I love this cover, with its hint of motion, its suggestion of one of the main characters and the swirl of space. My dancing hermaphrodites will be happy!

There will be a fourth Merculian novel eventually, and this one  is a mystery, a sort of  odd take on a police prceedural. But more on that later.

And there will be trips! More of that later, too. This is  just a quick tip of the hat to the new year and good things to come!

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6E42C0C4-869F-4462-9004-BA581358DD34Every day we go to Marc’s apartment and sift through the remains of his life, an odd assortment of the quirky, the beautiful and the banal. It is difficult but oddly helpful to have this physical task, one last thing we can do for him.

Most of this I am prepared for. There is the closet cramed to the ceiling with empty boxes, everything he ever bought can be traced here, even though much ot has long gone. Gary is working his way through this, methodically cutting every box up into manageable pieces for recycling. This is mostly what he does  for two hours. There is the linen cupboard with two shelves full of luxurious towels, the kind you find in 5 star spas: large serving dishes and a splendid wooden salad bowl fit for a party, though he never entertained; Calvin Klein sheets; an electric fireplace wirh a lovely mantel. Everything is covered with dust.

But it’s the little things that catch in my throat and brings on the tears. I find plastic  Halloween pumpkins with lights to make them glow in the dark. He would never open his door to strangers, so it was just for himself. There is an autumn wreath of maple leaves and red berries, Christmas ornaments and candles. Some Christmas gift bags saved from long ago that I recognize.


This is the photo that hangs in our living room of Marc when he was in his twenties. Someone had suggested he could be a model, since he wore his clothes so well. Of course this would be imposdible, but he loved the idea and I tried not to be too negative. When I said he would need some  headshots, he agreed to pose in his apartment for a friend of Adrienne who was into photography. It was a difficult session, I gathered later. Marc was very jumpy and nervous since he did not know the guy, and they had to cut things off early. Of course nothing came of this idea, but I love the photo in spite of all its flaws. It is very revealing. I see the sadness and vulnerability. And I see the small scar above his chin from a childhood spill, witness to a happier time of carefree fun.

The removal van is coming on Wednesday and then the cleaners move in, erasing all signs of his life in that apartment. And he is really gone.



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A Death in the Family

467b0afa3836ac507b4344eeddb2b8dc--cemetery-angels-cemetery-statuesThese words bring to mind the loss of a dear parent or perhaps an ancient aunt or uncle, someone who will be missed but whose life was winding down.  But parents are not meant to outlive their children. This kind of death is such a shock to the system that there are no words to describe it, that hollowed out feeling, the shell-shocked numbness and confusion. The utter disbelief.


I know that feeling because on Saturday afternoon June 2, my son Marc, age 45, died of a massive heart attack in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. I was in London, looking after my brother when I got the call.

Marc hated having his picture taken as he got older, so this is the best I can do, strange filter and all.

He was a happy, sociable outgoing boy whose life gradually moved into the shadows of mental illness. But in spite of all his battles with demons, he lived on his own terms, enjoyed shopping and dressing like a preppy fashion plate and  surrounded himself with items he considered luxurious, like crystal decanters, even though he did not drink, and a grandfather clock, although time meant little to him. No matter when I arrived  at his door, always unexpectedly because he could not tolerate a telephone in his apartment, he was up and impeccably dressed.

We used to go out for lunch in good restaurants, then less and less often as his tolerance for such places decreased. I wrote him little notes every week, often enclosing a treat of some sort. In lieu of lunches out, I began taking in prepared dinners we would share.

His death was sudden and quick, for which I am thankful. HIs absence is loud in my heart, his loss a hard, physical thing I had not experienced before. But I comfort myself knowing that at last he is at peace. The service on Wednesday was a private family affair. Donations in his memory can be made to CAMH.

Farewell, Punkerkins.


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Year of the Dog

75E3A5B2-BCEF-4865-9CEA-2278D228A1ECYou might think that a year named after the dog would be a great year for me. So far you would be wrong!  2018 is not bringing much joy. Reeling from losing a dear university friend in December, I staggered into January and fell afoul of the flu, which ebbed and flowed for weeks.

Then, just as I was rejoicing in renewed energy, I heard my oldest friend from junior school, who greeted me on my first day with the promise that we would be best friends, had died. I had been thinking of her often lately but had not seen her for years, since she had been lured off into a cult-like form of Christianity and was gradually isolated from everyone from her past. I had always hoped there would be a way to connect again. Alas, this is no longer possible.

Meanwhile down in London, Big Brother was rushed to the hospital with some kind of serious intestinal blockage. Then followed a week of tension while they figured out how to deal with this without operating, since he already has scaring from previous operations and radiation as well. He is slowly recuperating at home with nursing care and physio.

81875634-967F-49A3-9563-EB831D944598Back on the home front, Henry, the most beloved hound in the world, aka the Million dollar dog, was moaning and not himself. He ended up having a serious operation to remove a large tumor and his pancreas. Oy! By this time I have eaten my way into five pounds. Henry is doing quite well, however, though is not a good patient at all!

The glimmer of good things to come is that my new book, PEOPLE LIKE US, will be  coming out in the spring!  Cover reveal coming soon. Things may be looking up!



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Opera and Travel, the Perfect Mix

I have always loved the theatre. I love just going into the buildings, letting the atmosphere wrap around me! Even our quite new Four Seasons Centre for the Performing Arts, with it’s warm wood and airy light pouring in all those huge windows is exciting. But so much more are the old history-soaked theatres of Europe.


My First Passport Photo

When I was young, many, many decades ago, I travelled with my mother for over a year, visiting England, France, and finally touring through Spain to come to rest in Barcelona, where a world- renowned ophthalmologist  was going to take a look at my eyes to see if I was a candidate for eye-surgery. That part is not really germane to the story, except as an explanation of sorts as to why we were doing this ‘Grand Tour’ sort of thing in the first place!

While in London, we went to Covent  Garden and I saw my first opera in that lovely theatre. It was La Traviata, and although I was familiar with the music, the performance lifted me right back to the 19th century. Luckily this was before the era of so much experimenting with1 modernization of productions. After that we went to theatres in the west end to see some plays– Sheridan comes to mind– and again the buildings themselves contributed to the experience. This was long before the building of the Globe, by the way. This was the fifties and there was still some rationing, and bomb sites were visible around every corner. But the theatres were flourishing in all their glory!

In France we made it several times to La Comédie Française, and bathed in the glories of the French Alexandrine, and though at the time I did not get more than about a third, Unknownlike the audience the plays were written for, I knew my classic mythology! We went to some ballet, too, at the incredible Palais Garnier, home of the Paris Opera and one of the grandest theatres I have ever been in, and that is saying something!

In Spain the theatre I remember from those days was the Liceo in Barcelona.  Have been back there since several times for opera, but this first time it was Spanish dancing, Antonio and Rosario as I recall, and they were amazing! Catalan was forbidden under Franco, of course, so there was not a speck of it around.

I have traveled in Europe many times since, visiting friends, doing research in the Comédie Française for my thesis, but I didn’t start seriously seeking out opera on my travels until my brother began organizing trips for opera-lovers in London and Toronto. I had never gone on any organized tours before, thinking it would be too much like being shuffled about like cattle, but going with this group, many of whom were familiar to me from the opera here, was different. We did not hop from place to place, with no real time to get to know the atmosphere of the cities and towns we visited. There was time to sit in cafes and people-watch, time to wander, time to get familiar with the byways, as well as the highways. And if you lost your ticket, my big brother would hope to it and fix it for you, pronto!

Best of all, there was the chance to see rarely performed opera, like the one we saw in Prague, The Tsar’s Bride by Rimsky-Korsakov; and the amazing experience of being in the elegant but small gem of a theatre where Mozart conducted the premiere of Don Giovanni, also in Prague. And Venice, in the wonderful Teatro La Fenice, for Traviata again, ironically the Toronto production in modern dress, with Violeta wandering around in her black satin slip in the last act, dragging her mink coat behind her.

And then there is the incomparable Saltzberg Festival!Unknown


It is very difficult to even get good tickets here so going with a group is the easiest way to do it. This is a formal event, which does much to lift the experience to a much higher level of opera-going! Imagine yourself in your long dress wandering through the elegant crowds of Austrians, dressed in silk and satin and velvet versions of their national consumes, carrying your
champagne out into the cobbled courtyard at intermission, as the moon rises over the battlements of a castle! Around you the polyglot crowd ebbs and flows, discussing the production. And these productions tend to be amazing! The singers are all superb, of course and the directors outdo themselves in their efforts to catch the bravos of the opera-lovers. It does not always work! Don Giovanni shooting up in the park comes to mind. But he could sing!

I could go on and on, waxing poetic about theatres, opera, and travel, but I think I have made my point! I love it all: the trips, the music, the old buildings with their wonderful IMG_0402atmosphere of bygone days, but I will spare you. I leave you with this photo of me at Saltzberg, about to head out for yet another wonderful evening.


(This article appeared first in a slightly different version as a guest blog post for the Mesdames of Mayhem travel series this summer. Caro)

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